Leadership requires tough conversation. The more people (employee, volunteers or team members), the more opportunity that you’ll need to have these talks. Not every team member will follow through on 100 percent of what they say. I don’t. You don’t either…unless you are not human. So, we need clear steps in navigating difficult conversations when our team goes out of alignment. Here are four steps to assist you in having the best possible outcome.
1. Ask Them What Happened
Most of the time, we as leaders want to tell our employee, team members or volunteers what they are doing wrong. That starts the conversation in a negative tone and most likely it’ll make them wall up. They will be defensive and may feel the need to protect themselves by attacking you or not agreeing with you. Rather than sharing what they did wrong, it’s important to ask them for their side of the story. Ask them what happened and their thoughts. For instance, you can ask, “so tell me what happened with….” or “can you walk me through your mindset with ….” When you do this, you are communicating that their side matters. You are saying that they matter. This sets the tone for a conversation rather than a criticism. This also sets you up later in the conversation. They will listen to you since you listened to them first.
2. Affirm and find any common ground
You may already do step one well. But where I see many leaders take the conversation in the wrong direction is with their responses. Leaders often want to interrupt or correct what the person is saying immediately. They want to interject with their response and answer. This will lead to friction and walls. It’s important to pause what you need to share. Your priority is to build your relationship with them by affirming what they feel and what happened. It’s important for you to give them a sense that you are on their side and that you support them. It does not mean that you accept and agree with everything that happened. It means that you find ways where you can show empathy, understanding and common ground. You can make statements like, “that makes sense why you feel that way,” or “that’s a bumme” or “I probably would feel the same way if I were you too.” These little comments show that you really hear them and care for them.
3. Call them to a higher leadership principle/ value
Once you’ve given them a chance to talk, it’s now your turn. You’ve done the work in affirming and building the relationship. Now it’s time to share your side and your heart. You do this not by sharing what they did wrong (the negative), but by calling them to who they are as a leader (the positive). You share that your heart is that you want them to be a better leader, volunteer or team member. You are calling them to a higher leadership and standard. That often time requires sacrifice, being more responsible or doing things differently. While you share this, they’ll most often understand that they need to act, think and talk differently. It helps them to see how and what they did or said may have been out of alignment with the values of the organization. And you did it in a way that wasn’t offensive, critical or dehumanizing. Its a way to affirm them and help them change without elevating the tension.
Most often the conversation can end here and you guys can enjoy a dessert and hug it out. Sometimes, the conversation or issue may be deeper and it may not go quite as well. There may still be disagreement and misunderstanding. This will require step four.
4. Be direct and discipline
If the person still doesn’t agree or does not want to follow the values of the organization then it’s time to bring down the hammer. You’ll need to be more direct and share the consequences of their action. A clear plan will need to laid out for them depending on the severity of the issue and what they need to change. You’ll need to do a follow up and get your senior leaders to be aware of the situation as well. Hopefully the conversation does not go this far but sometimes it does. You’ll need to prepare for this with your disciplinary plan.
This may feel uncomfortable and take longer to have these conversations. However, the time spent in the beginning will make the conversation end more smoothly.
Which of the steps do you need to focus on in your next tough conversation?
I really enjoyed reading this post, and found it to be very helpful. Each of the tips are on point, and I agree with the sequence in which they are laid out.
Relational conflicts are a given within almost organizational setting. However, I believe the stakes are so much higher in a faith-based context. While we may have the temptation to shift the blame on the people that we are supposed to be leading, it’s important for us to constantly self-diagnose, and to make sure that we are resolving conflicts/tension with ample wisdom, love, and grace.
In the secular context, you can let someone go for insubordination, and perhaps there may be legal consequences. But in the spiritual context, the damage caused by poor communication, and ultimately by poor leadership, can be catastrophic.
As spiritual leaders, we bear so much responsibility for our conduct. But at the same time, opportunities abound all around us, if we’re really willing to lead.
Thank you brother, for supplying us with these invaluable tips.
That’s a good point John. Thanks for sharing that distinction. Appreciate it. Hope you are well!