How This Crisis Has Changed Our Relationship

This is part two in the post “3 Relationships This Crisis Has Changed.” You can read the first part about our relationship to work.

“I wish I had more time with my family.” 

“I wish I had more time for people in my life.”

These are common comments that most people said before the crisis. We want both quantity (frequency of meeting) and quality (depth of connection) with our family and friends. Yet, families, couples and singles spent little time (quantity) and depth (quality) with those that we loved the most. We saw this in our dining room table. 

Before the crisis, a national survey from Eckrich(R) found that  about 40 percent of American families ate three times or less in a week. The survey found that 10 percent of families never ate together at all. That’s fifty percent of American families that rarely had meals together.

Not only was the quantity of family meals low but also the quality of time during those meals. Other studies showed that the average meal time is around twelve minutes. Twelve minutes is not a long time to connect and deepen a relationship. Why is it so short? Screens. 

A report by Common Sense Media shows that teenagers spend seven hours on average on the screen and tweens spend five hours on average. This doesn’t include screen time for school and homework. Now, in an ideal world, kids sleep  eight hours a night and go to school around eight hours. This leave only eight hours left in the day.  If kids and teenagers are spending five to seven hours on the screen then their whole day is gone. This makes sense why they eat fast and do their homework fast. The opportunity for quality connection is low. 

Opportunity in the Crisis

While this crisis is hurting all families in various ways, it’s also creating an opportunity. It’s giving us quantity of family time. It’s allowing us to spend more time with our families while we are under stay at home orders.  Families are choosing to cook and eat together more than ever. Social distancing has allowed for more home eating.  The frequency of home meals has skyrocketed. 

The benefits of eating together are tremendous.  Research shows that kids have better physical health, vocabulary growth, mental and social development when they eat with their families. There are also financial savings. Meals allow families to slow down and connect. It communicates value and importance on the person. 

Now, eating together more does not  mean those meal times are quality. It does not translate to deep connections. While it may be a huge success to have created a home cooked meal, it doesn’t mean that the work stops there.  Relationships don’t grow closer on accident. It takes intentionality. It must be strategic, thought through and effort put in. 

Here are some suggestions on how to develop quality time during those meals. You may not have more time to deepen throughout the week, but you can optimize your meal times for meaningful connection and depth. Here’s some ideas.

• Put away the phone. Make a rule to not have screen time during the meal time. This will create boundaries and rules so that you are engaging and looking at each other rather than a screen.  You’ll be surprised at where the conversation can go when everyone is fully engaged.
• Ask personal questions (Arons 36 questions). Psychologist Arthur Aron came up with 36 questions to help strangers fall in love each other. This can be used for families because families need to love each other. It takes 45 minutes to answer them. You can space them out over several meals. You can also use other questions to get to know each other too.   
• Plan activities to do as a family after the meal. When the meal is near the end, you can ask the family what they should do either that night or in the future.  You can try something new and different such as puzzles, board games, a family walk. It’s a great and simple way to keep the quality time together going. It shows that you value this and want to continue to connect with your family.

Now, every family will connect in different ways. But every family will have conflict even as you try to deepen the relationship. It may be arguments with your kids or spouse. You will rub each other the wrong way.  It’s already difficult to home school, work as well as cook and clean. It’s important to forgive and try again.  You can’t stop trying to grow together. Your investment in your kids, spouse and family will have huge payoffs in the future. 

Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.

Proverbs 22:6

This is our opportunity to help our kids handle the conflict by choosing to eat together and grow closer. They don’t need you to be perfect, they just need you. Your kids value this time with you more than you realize even the teenagers who think they are too cool. Your kids will remember this. Your spouse and family members will remember this time as well. We may never have this amount of time with our families again. It’s important to use it in a way that builds quality while we have the quantity of time with them right now. 

Now, if you are single and at home, I understand there are challenges with eating with someone. You can’t go out with ease as you did in the past. But you can still be creative. You can still engage and connect through technology. You can still initiate and deepen relationships with these questions and suggestions. You can still have quality relationships.